By Maisa Salum-Kilaly
Dear future daughter,
I pray that you’re not put through the toxicity and pain that
I’ve been subjected to, there’s nothing I fear more than you possibly going
through ordeals that I went through long ago or knowing that I won’t be able to
always fix your difficult situations but I promise you that I will
wholeheartedly try my best in doing so. As much as I don’t want you to start
dating until you’re in your thirties, I am writing this letter with the
intention of informing you that I support you through your dating and
relationship experiences nevertheless there are a few things I would like to
discuss that I hope will propel you in making the right choices.
The most crucial aspect is the phase of dating in the
beginning, it generally sets the tone for what is to come when you have decided
to enter a relationship with your chosen partner. The way you chose to date can
define your relationship. Growing up you are going to hear multiple anecdotes
about my experiences with the opposite sex that will have signification, prior
to entering my first relationship we did not go on dates and anytime we spent
together encompassed passing time in one another’s bedrooms, when we finally
got together and I voiced that we should go out on dates more often, he
responded with “I don’t do dates”, I would have to implore and the date would
feel so strained.
Dating can be defined in so many ways so I can’t necessarily
tell you “how to” date, keep in mind the aim is to explore a connection with
somebody else. Through dating, you can set a standard of your requirements or
expectations in a relationship if your potential condones going out or
continually expresses he prefers spending time with you indoors then this will
probably be brought into play when you get together. You should engage in
wholesome dating which is a process that requires careful thought, the time
that you’ve taken to know each other before a date thoroughly talking should be
emulated in your first date.
You may have expressed that you have an adoration for poetry and
your date decides to take you to an open mic night or your favourite cuisine is
Spanish and your date decides to cook you tapas, this reflects sincerity and
respect because they’ve made the effort to acknowledge your hobbies and
interests. Building a connection requires communication, avoid dates that
inconvenience this such as going to the cinema. Is your date a date? Make sure
that both of you know where you stand and then make the necessary arrangements.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, I would urge you to
date multiple people so that you can find somebody that is right for you, avoid
being fixated on one person who might not fulfil what you’re looking for,
become aware of the options available to you because you will start to learn
the things you do and do not want in a partner. Settling in a relationship is
the worse, find the person that takes you out of your comfort zone. Dating
doesn’t only have to be about finding a companion, it can also be about
creating friendships as well as networking.
You deserve to be in a relationship that necessitates respect,
mutual understanding, trust, honesty, communication, and support, you can have
boundaries in your relationship but ensure that they are established and
respected equally by both of you. If you are in a healthy relationship you will
not be subjected to any type of abuse (i.e. physical, emotional or sexual) or
harassment. If you find yourself in a situation like this, leave and seek out
support from the people you trust.
Try not to confuse love as infatuation, love is progressive
and in most cases, infatuation is an immediate response related to the
psychology of the mind. When you are infatuated you will find trying to satisfy
sexual needs becomes a priority in comparison to love where you are
consistently thinking about the person’s feelings. Infatuation is a powerful
euphoria that will have you ready to risk it all, not in my household though!
I’m joking, hold back from forgetting what’s real because you are in your
feelings, do not allow your emotions to overpower your logic. You and your
partner will communicate and confer expectations from one another through love.
I believe sex is a conversation that every parent dreads.
Consent is essential and you should never feel pressured to have sex or do
things that you are not entirely comfortable with. Just because you are the
age of consent don’t feel like you are immediately ready to have sexual
intercourse and don’t feel pressured because supposedly everyone is doing it.
Contraception is essential to avoid unwanted pregnancies but also maintaining
sexual health. Sex does not reflect your love for someone and they do not own
your body. I remember my ex-boyfriend once said to me I could never leave him
because he had taken my virginity, there’s a lot more to a relationship than
poor penetrative skills – sex does not equate love.
Spend a considerable amount of time learning to love yourself
and chasing after your dreams. Pursue your passions and cultivate your
self-esteem, your life can be great without a partner through building strong
relationships with family and friends, driving your potential, and living out
life with your calling at mind. Not finding fulfilment in yourself will cause
you to depend on somebody else to fill that void, you should be the only person
that can validate and define yourself, not other people.
All my love,
Mum
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