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More than a Means

BY NICOLA HARE

Interesting isn’t it: that we no longer live in a time where our greatest aspiration is marriage and yet we allow relationships, whether good or bad, to define us as women.

As young women in our twenties; I do encourage relationships because this is our time to figure out what we like and dislike, it is time to know of the boundaries of relationships, the traits we admire in men, the compromises we are willing to make and so forth. So, I think you should date the cool boys, the introvert, the quirky and if you want, the bad boys – these are the years to figure out the kind of man we want to marry. What you must not allow is for relationships to be all you have to show for your 20s.

Our twenties are the most pivotal time of our lives when it comes to building the foundations of our futures, this is not just in regards to relationships but also careers, our betterment and our final goals in life. All that we do in these coming years are essential to our success and our livelihoods and though terrifying, it’s important to understand what a crucial and defining decade this is, understand that your time is valuable because it is true what they say: time waits for no one.

There is a lot of pressure surrounding the concept of ‘growing up’ and trying to figure out what we would want to do for the rest of our lives. What we fail to realise is that each day, each moment and each decision in our twenties is the weaving of what will become our futures. I do not wish to deter you from relationships, what I hope to do is encourage you to think beyond being a person’s wife or partner. You are intelligent and you have ambitions and you are deserving of your own success and this is our time to do it, you do not need a relationship.

I think that as women, we’re unintentionally raised to aspire to having a person beside us and I’m not here to advocate for a career driven life, I honestly hope that even I can find the balance between the two. However, we are not told enough, as women, that we can be greater than somebody else’s partner. I’m blessed enough to have a strong mother and amazing friends that encourage me to aspire for greatness beyond relationships but this isn’t always the case and it’s very easy to become consumed in being with people and in turn, losing yourself. We need to find strength in choosing ourselves and aspiring to be amazing women that aren’t limited because they do not have a man at their side.

This is the time to figure out what we want for ourselves because we do not want to wake up a few years into what the rest of our lives will be, thinking of all the experiences and jobs that we could’ve had. Be focused and purposeful, make every day count, hustle and grind because you need to be secure in yourself before you attach yourself to another person. Value your time and be careful of the person you choose to give your time to because your time is precious.

Every moment in our 20s should be about bettering ourselves and attaching ourselves to relationships for the sake of having relationships becomes a waste of time. Failing to let go because of the fear of being alone is a waste of time. Entertaining men that do not see your worth is a waste of time. Allowing a relationship to define who you are instead of actively creating your own narrative is a waste of time. Relationships will come and go and that is not necessarily in your control. What is in your control however, is your life, your future and your career. There will be no one but yourself to blame for choosing a man that saw you only as a means to an end whilst you made him the end in itself.

Do not search for your future in a man, figure out your own dream and make it happen. Your husband is supposed to be your partner and not your provider.

Pursue your degree with all you have, hustle for that promotion, travel and read books, become knowledgeable of the world. We must understand the importance of bettering ourselves before we can attach ourselves to somebody else. Learn and grow to love yourself and be comfortable in yourself so that you are not questioning your worth in relation to a man’s thoughts of you. Use this time to create the best version of yourself and not a person that is suited for a man. Create your future and I assure you that the man that is for you, will not pass you by.

So, with all that being said, I leave you with this:

“Twenty is for you. Twenty is for growth. Twenty is for the pursuit of a tomorrow that is better than today. Twenty is for options, twenty is for passion and knowledge and enjoyment. It is not for continuous compromise, it is not a time to say: this is the guy that I’ve got to make it with because this is the guy I have. Twenty is for firing dudes when they don’t act right.”

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